KamTrek

Being What Feels Good

Posted on April 18, 2022 by kamtrekker

Today, in the wake of the moon and her ever-changing face,

I’m determined

To not be drained

Even in the face of the rain

Reigning over all the ideas I’ve ever had of being

Though it’s freeing,

Mystifying

Really

Really

I say so

So it’s so

Just one more fact, a part of the truth

I’m holding on

Too

To and fro

In my own head

Heart and Root

Lead me to The Throne

I’ve built a tomb for all my regrets

Buried it deep in my ribs

Piercing my spine

Like spokes on a wheel

I am what I want to feel

Let The Wall Hug You

Posted on March 13, 2022 by kamtrekker

I lay last night on the floor looking for some grace on this plane.

It was a heavy night, feeling isolated and invisible.

A vessel of life, I am.

I think.

Feelings are fleeting- at least the good ones.

All I could do was cry.

Reliving it, all I can do is allow the stream of tears to roll down my face.

In the middle of the dark night, I grabbed onto my shoulders and held for dear life.

I wasn’t going to give up on myself, even if the world had.

Even if my mother was dead.

Even if my father could care less if I lived or died.

I would not give up and retreat to the looming thoughts…

A vessel of life I am.

Even if I don’t see it, feel it, or believe it.

Feeding everything around me.

The glimmer in their eyes is enough to keep me above ground.

For now.

How do I breathe life into a vessel of life broken by life?

I won’t let go.

I won’t let go even if my father has.

Too much of him I guess I am.

In the darkest night of my life and all I can feel is like a burden.

Trying to shrink myself into oblivion.

Anything not to feel like this.

Whatever this is.

I won’t let go.

Even if the world does.

I won’t let go.

I see my smile in theirs.

That’s what keeps me above ground.

Last night, in the dark, I held onto my shoulders for dear life.

Til my knuckles cracked, and sweat dripped down my back.

I won’t let go.

Even if there are only my shoulders to hold onto.

Their smiles keep me above ground.

just writing

Posted on February 15, 2022 by kamtrekker

I couldn’t cry, so I’m writing. Not because I’m in this euphoric space, but because of the space I’m in. I’m not really trying to rationalize it, so I’d say it’s a written rampage. There’s a fog that sits in between my eyes that keeps my brain in a tangle. With what? I’m not sure. I’m just writing. Sometimes I find myself staring into space and wondering at-

Most times I don’t know. I’m just writing.

Wondering at the stars, the moon, the sun- what do they think of me?

Of us?

What’s the whole grand scheme of things? And why is it a scheme?

A grand scheme.

Aren’t there enough schemes to sift through to last a lifetime?

I’m just writing.

Just considering considering nothing.

But the tears

They’re not an option for some reason.

I’m beyond shedding at this point.

Where is the point?

Is the point

Of it all

Is that

I’m just writing

‘Cause I couldn’t cry

And I felt like crying

But I’m just writing

Love notes to Hope

Here’s to a breakthrough the pressure to get new

When you feel blown through

I really wasn’t looking to be a poet

Having pains, so I guess I’m growing

Just writing to get a hold of it

| Alpha

Posted on August 10, 2018 by kamtrekker

I come from the spirit of two young hearts, new to the concept of life

What all that meant

What it all could mean

There is no place strange to a soul conceived on the shore

In her first car

Her first time

Their last moment of strange

Unfamiliar lands inviting them to themselves

Together

For then

Forever

The fire that bore me

From the air

Signs

Pointing in so many directions

They chose Love

Where everywhere is home

For then

Forever

I come from their hearts

The flame they kindled with their hopes

Dreams of a life

That looked nothing like me

Here I stand in the land that their hearts designed

Hands outstretched to catch the rays of light they left behind

Home is where the heart is

I was conceived on the shores of the Clearwater Beach

Then carried up the coast to be delivered in Philly

Where I took my first breath and first steps

I found myself on the countryside of West Atco

Sitting in fields of dandelions, looking for ghosts

The wind at my back and under my feet

Plucking flowers and chasing tumbleweeds

My first best friend was a spider

With no name

Most folks call them Daddy Long Legs

Learned that long johns were called thermals

In the city, more troubles

Wondered why Momma wanted to move in the first place

Learned what it was like to not feel at home

For the first time

In the city where I was born

Found my soul mates in the same space

I could say I was partly raised

Partly crave the countryside some days

Most days feel like I’m getting by on a high tide

Praying the waves don’t crash too soon

Too cool

In the city

Everybody too cool

Quite frankly

WIth them fast cars and them stereos

I used to sleep like a baby in the stillness of the night

Now silence causes me plight

It’s heavy and don’t feel right

In the space where there ain’t nothing but lights

And sounds

When rest is needed

But stirring is abundant

There still ain’t enough to go around

For anyone

Ain’t no love

But I live in the heart

In the chamber, ready to discharge

With the wind beneath my wings

Soaked with soot and spit

Carrying my heart in a vice grip

Too cool in the city

So I set sights on the shore

My heart and spirit feel full

The sands dance at the sight of my feet

Bury my heart at home

In the sea

Where there is no stranger

Just friends who have yet to meet

Unfamiliar lands inviting them to themselves

Together

For then

Forever

The fire that bore me

From the air

That carries me, pushes me to the edge

A fairy on a ferry

Headed for the horizon

Drink the tide she ride in

On my feet

At the bottom of the sea

That bore the spirit that bore me

Home is nowhere and everywhere in between

To a soul like me

Home is sitting in fields of dandelions, looking for ghosts

The wind at my back and under my feet

Plucking flowers and chasing tumbleweeds

Walking through Beirut on a summer day

Cars whipping by with catcallers twice my age

Learning to be too cool

Just to make it through the haze

Smoke breeds more smoke

Too much air to tame the flame

Ignited and displaced

Internalized rage

Sitting in the heart of the city

Waiting in the chamber

Don’t want no smoke

Feeling the fire

What’s home with no mother?

What’s home with no father?

Unfamiliar lands inviting me to call them home

No place will do

But the shores that they came to

There’s no place like home

Everywhere and nowhere and all in between

Affirmation.oxygen

Posted on February 15, 2018 by kamtrekker

Today,

I honor the breath in my body

Invite in

More OXYGEN

I honor my mind, body and spirit

A unit

And the

individual

parts

Within it.

Her

She deserves the world,

better yet,

Earth.

Affirmation.oneday

Posted on February 7, 2018 by kamtrekker

I will not be consumed by

my disappointments

I will reinvent myself

As many times

As I see fit

One Day

At a Time

Affirmation.good

Posted on January 26, 2018 by kamtrekker

Thoughts travel faster than

the speed of light

I send what sits in my heart

Out

To guide the steps ahead.

True Love

By design.

Think good thoughts

Think good thoughts

Good Thoughts

Affirmation .be

Posted on January 25, 2018 by kamtrekker

When I allow myself to be free,

my dreams, and the best of all,

for all,

can live.

When I am free,

my dreams, and the best of all,

for all,

can live.

When I am free,

my dreams, and the best of all,

for all,

live.

And it is in this

Moment

that I

remember

who I am

whom I love

and to truly

Be.

______ now, I am

Posted on December 29, 2015 by kamtrekker

I’m not dead

Fear is paralyzing; the ultimate distraction
That no one has ever, ever been able to afford.
In the arena of my mind, I set fire to the stage and watch Love and

Fear duke it out to be the last one standing on the ashes.

Focus is my Victory.
I can truly hear myself
(((SCREAM)))
Trampling between pride and hunger, I see the pattern

I’m.mortal.
“i-m-m-o-r-t-a-l”
Soul is who aches when I cry and who rejoices at the tears.
The stream is the aftermath.
What’s screaming but Fear shrinking in sight of Heart?
You?
A single vessel, for the moment, her 1000th time saving the world, today.
Sound waves bare witness to your Exodus, forever echoed throughout the Ether.
I’ve given up to be the ashes, the sand in the arena of Love.
Because
I’m.mortal

immortal
Carried away in the wind of my thoughts, I fall, hard, to the floor
Here. Again.
Buried a mile under the sea of ashes with Fear grabbing for my ankles.
Just one pinch
Focus is my Victory,

I can truly hear myself
Bouncing between Hunger and Heart
I see the pattern
Silence is my solace
“I-a-m-i-m-m-o-r-t-a-l”

“Unknown”, now, “I am”

I am immortal