______ now, I am

I’m not dead 

Fear is paralyzing; the ultimate distraction
That no one has ever, ever been able to afford.
In the arena of my mind, I set fire to the stage and watch Love and

Fear duke it out to be the last one standing on the ashes.

Focus is my Victory.
I can truly hear myself
(((SCREAM)))
Trampling between pride and hunger, I see the pattern

I’m.mortal.
“i-m-m-o-r-t-a-l”
Soul is who aches when I cry and who rejoices at the tears.
The stream is the aftermath.
What’s screaming but Fear shrinking in sight of Heart?
You?
A single vessel, for the moment, her 1000th time saving the world, today.
Sound waves bare witness to your Exodus, forever echoed throughout the Ether.
I’ve given up to be the ashes, the sand in the arena of Love.
Because
I’m.mortal

immortal
Carried away in the wind of my thoughts, I fall, hard, to the floor
Here. Again.
Buried a mile under the sea of ashes with Fear grabbing for my ankles.
Just one pinch
Focus is my Victory,

I can truly hear myself
Bouncing between Hunger and Heart
I see the pattern
Silence is my solace
“I-a-m-i-m-m-o-r-t-a-l”

“Unknown”, now, “I am”

I am immortal 

…Much is Tested

The scales you polish so much

Have failed you

Consumed by the beauty of the balance

Shifting your weight to keep up

With the glimmer

Dare to scuff

The scale

Wasn’t made to carry you

Shape your soles to bear your heart.

Feet stumble in passion.

She who carries Heart walks with Grace.

You are Not What Was Done

I stir

On occasion

Most times

It’s hard to know until I’m already spinning

Kicking and screaming

No! We worked so hard!

My spirit, deaf, dumb, blind

With rage, pain, hunger

Don’t call it Anger

Tearing up the corners of the Earth searching for another angle.

Call it Faithful

What’s faith in the face of hate?

Or Love when love for that hate can’t be denied?

When famine fed by fear finds that second wind

And you’re the tide

When Love’s locked away in perception and you can only see her through the caged hearts of man

Where your heart flutters at the sound of Love’s name but even that is painful

You remember the last time Love was in your lap.

That shit hurts

What did you trade Love for?

Would you remember it on the street?

Would it run to catch you when you fell?

Or was it what had you falling in the first place?

 

 

 

“Respect the Technique” Purposeful Preparation Part II: Knowing the Working Process

Easier said than done.

The world’s silent consensus in the face of any prolonged challenge or endeavor. 

It’s in The Manual. 

So what’s that doing that doesn’t ever seem to get done?

…That doing that gives all the saying a run for its money…

It’s the brick and mortar of the foundation of your ethic. 

It’s what sets and keeps your wheels in motion. 

Heart and Soul are the check-and-balance of our intentions and those intentions are the guides of our actions.

I played with these thoughts as I lay in bed at 4 AM. 

My holy hour. My favorite time of “night”. A time of reflection and reconciliation. Even my thoughts were on chill. 

It’s a beautiful thing.

Sharing ones thoughts comes with an unmeasurable responsibility. 

It’s a line of work that isn’t considered work. And even when you are tireless in it, you have to leave a little room for perspective. 

Managing what?

I don’t want to manage my life. I want to live it, explore all of its facets and meet others on their journeys. Exploration requires security and preparation. 

Because spontaneity isn’t so spontaneous.

You have to respect the flow to learn it, know it and go with it. 

Your ethic is your best guide on the path to knowing, and going with, the flow. 

Curating and polishing time management, consistency, diligence, adaptability and patience is not an easy feat, but it will transform into an almost effortless process if driven by Heart and Soul.

Heart and Soul are forces that can’t be denied, but can be healed and  transformed through different variables of the human condition. 

You can’t destroy the Heart, but you can soothe it. Your Soul may feel heavy or even bent, but you could never break it. 

Take cues from a true, live ‘G’!

Soul is the master pupil of life. Spirit, it’s understudy, uses us to connect Soul to Heart. 

You are the glue that holds your Heart and Soul together.

A few days ago I shared what Autumn has taught me about purposeful preparation. 

Autumn is true, a gentle bruiser, always timely. 

Her signs are consistent and devoted to her presence. 

She’s here. 

Like it or not.

Her work speaks for itself and never for her. She’s trained her ethic to be  a steady constant in the ever changing realm of Time.

Autumn, in all her glory, says,

I respect myself enough to know the working process”.

I’m still taking notes. 

And sharing them. 





Purposeful Preparation: What I’ve learned from Autumn

It’s been sixty days since I decided to begin sharing my thoughts again. And I’ll say, it’s changed my life in so many ways. Unapologetically morphing into my old self, 

before everything. 

It’s really the timing of it all, honestly. 

The dust is finally settling from the faithful summer that just passed to another hemisphere a little earlier than all of us expected and I am watching the wind pick up the rest of the stragglers left from summer’s hot breath. 

I’m ready for all that my imagination has set me up to seek, and then some. My favorite season is creeping in like it is supposed to. 

The air, crisp, stirring with purpose, calls the soul to stillness. 

It’s been a season of static and status.

I’m hibernating before Winter, but not before I fall in love with Autumn. 

Stillness beckons me to my thoughts and solitude. 

Solitude. A treasure. A teacher. A friend. 

I asked a while back, “What’ll I take, what’ll I leave?

Autumn is upon us. We’d like to say it’s early, but her strength lies in her purposefulness. Summer has done its job and the season is coming to a close. 

The season of maturation is upon us. 

It’s get-ready season and what better way to get ready is there than cleansing? 

We’ve been tripped up by the theory that faking it until we make it is the way to reach our higher selves. 

Facing it until you conquer it is more like what nature is trying to show us.

Summer makes way for Autumn, Autumn  makes way for Winter and Spring succeeds them all as a new cycle of life is born. 

Even the seasons have to be purposeful.

For the first time in a long while, Summer’s ended at the beginning of September. You can feel it in the air, once breathy and still, now crisp and restless. 

The chill invites you to get lost in the determination of the fall. Autumn is making cuts as she scours the regions and prepares the earth to transition and mature. Looking for signs of resignation and ambition. 

Who are her winds going to push forward or send spinning?

She gives us the choice. Every time.

Surrender to your higher self and it won’t ever steer you wrong. You can be carried forward or sent spinning. 

 The choice is yours.

Connect with old thoughts, feelings  and ideas. You never know what will spring forth from stirring your mind. 

  
Maturation is all about being ready. Even when you don’t think you are. 

Especially when you don’t think you are.

What are some things that you believe indicate that you’re not ready? 

Reflect. Review. Cleanse, no Purge.

It’s all about connecting 

with Time, Place and Spirit.

Time rules the seasons. Connect with the seasons of time and take note. The one thing they always have in common that remains a constant in their nature is that no matter what, the seasons are purposeful and prepared.

It’s crucial to be purposeful and prepared when exploring place and spirit. Taking notes never hurt anyone. 

It’s all about being ready. 

Connect with Autumn and be ready to see what she has to show you. 

It’s one thing not to know, but a whole other if you’re not ready when it’s time. 

Be purposeful and prepare.


Ritual . . .

My high is coming down. The rattle of my bracelets is all that I can manage to process as I stroke my conscious. The rest of Me is lying,  dormant, in the background, resigned to total oblivion. This is my prayer. Surrendering to the waves of the Qadr (the will of The Creator). 

Charcoal black fingers run through my mind. 

The hands of infinity. 

I submit. 

Ritual

  

That sweet rapture and ride of nostalgia that captivates the heart and releases the mind. 

It’s not for nothing.

It’s as pure and simple as you want it to be. 

It’s reliable. 

It’s courageous. 

Ritual gives life to stability, dependability, balance and accountability.

Get lost in yourself, your dreams will follow you and you’ll never be lonely. 

Being alone.

Ritual 

It’s what you want it to be. 

The power lies in the choice.

It’s yours to make and to change. 

It’s what changed you. 

Ritual

Waking up to a world full of expectations, you are free from the clutter of demand and trend. 

The hands of Time, coated in expectations, push you in a new direction and you are free to get lost in yourself, with your dreams in tow.

 

It’s This One Thing: You deserve you, not your problems.

It takes a lot of courage to analyze your life.

In this world, you’re supposed to have it together, right now, all at once. If you don’t, you’re screwed. 

Success is not yours to claim.

And that success isn’t transmutable. It doesn’t come in every color under the sun. In fact, it’s governed by a white picket fence. There is no gradient.

That success doesn’t interest me at all. The shit I’ve seen in life, I’m happy to have a hot meal, a glass, some herb and good- if I’m lucky, live-music at the end of my day. 

At some point, it’s time to look at why it’s so important to get everything done right now

Why right now? 

My life is all screwed up. 

Really?

Tell me how. As a matter of fact, write down how much of your life is screwed up. 

Collect all of your thoughts and analyze your current situation. Concentrate on what areas of your life you need to rebuild. 

Learn to separate the different parts of your life that make you whole. 

Do not allow the temporary weakening of a specific part of your life affect the rest of who you are. 

  You are WAY MORE than your problems.

Let’s look at the definition of a problem: 

A matter or situation regarded as unwelcome or harmful and needing to be dealt with or overcome.

Even if you have more than one problem at a time, your life is not over.

A problem is not greater than you. It is a tool used to rebuild and shape your path. 

…If you are working on it.

What? Some of us fall in love with our problems?

Yeah

There’s this one thing called romanticizing your problems. 

I used to romanticize my problems because I had no faith in myself. I believed that my problems were more resilient than I was and that it’d be useless trying to get rid of them. 

I began to identify with them, even make excuses for having them and fear letting go of the beasts I’d come to know. 

As the Stockholm syndrome commenced, I lost myself in my problems. I was bent and they were holding me up, I’d convinced myself. 

Expectations? What are those? 

I’d had standards and I hated myself for it. In my mind, my problems were bigger than me and I was being foolish in still wanting the things that I felt I deserved. 

You can’t get past your insecurities. Men only want confident women. No man will want you. Ever. 

Rational or irrational, my thoughts gave way to my problems. I was mentally unhealthy and it cost me a few relationships to realize I was in deep. 

I ain’t shit…

The cycle continued and the self-loathing became unbearable. Then one day I caught a glimpse of myself in the hallway mirror leading to the front door. I smiled and stood, regarding my face and shoulders. 

My late grandmother’s voice rang in my head, 

I watched you walk from 16th street all the way to the corner because I wanted to compliment  you on your walk. I said, “That young lady has great posture”. Then I said, “Oh that’s Kamila!”

That day in the mirror, replaying my grandma’s words in my head over and over again, I’d decided to break out of the hold my problems had over me. A graceful maiden with a full life and a big heart and a badddd walk could not be denied what she deserved most, her highest esteem.

One thing: You deserve more of your attention and esteem than your problems do. No matter how big they are.

“Life is like a puzzle. 

Sometimes the pieces fall apart, but they can be put back together. 

There are pieces from your parents and friends, pieces from people you like and from people you don’t like that make your life what it is. 

There are pieces from books, pieces of songs, and pieces of things that have happened to you. 

All the pieces of your life affect you, but THEY ARE NOT YOU.”

Remember that today and everyday. Problems are tools that, when worked on, sharpen the person you are and are becoming. 

Mine bow down to me. I’m always on the grind working on myself.