You are Not What Was Done

Posted on by kamtrekker

I stir

On occasion

Most times

It’s hard to know until I’m already spinning

Kicking and screaming

No! We worked so hard!

My spirit, deaf, dumb, blind

With rage, pain, hunger

Don’t call it Anger

Tearing up the corners of the Earth searching for another angle.

Call it Faithful

What’s faith in the face of hate?

Or Love when love for that hate can’t be denied?

When famine fed by fear finds that second wind

And you’re the tide

When Love’s locked away in perception and you can only see her through the caged hearts of man

Where your heart flutters at the sound of Love’s name but even that is painful

You remember the last time Love was in your lap.

That shit hurts

What did you trade Love for?

Would you remember it on the street?

Would it run to catch you when you fell?

Or was it what had you falling in the first place?

 

 

 

Praise

Posted on by kamtrekker

What would the world be without glory? The same thing it would be without pain.

Everything is relative.

However you want to slice it, we were all created to be here in the same place at the same time.

We must never allow ourselves to be guided or stopped by what anyone else is doing. We must never allow ourselves to be guided or stopped by what anyone else is doing. We must never allow ourselves to think we can only go so far because others are already there.

I didn’t choose to be here now

I never knew there was a choice

My majesty was borne out of the need for Love to thrive unconditionally.

So was yours

Rejoice in that.

Be grateful you are one of Love’s children,

one in a million,

among the many,

ones in millions,

living for Love.

And she goes hard for her kids.

Praise the hard times

Praise the easy ones

Plan for the worst

Strive for the best

Praise the hard times

Praise the easy ones

Love goes hard

For all her kids

When it’s hard

When it’s easy

Release Your Greatness, Thank You.

Posted on by kamtrekker

Seven years ago, on October 6, 2008, I came home to discover my mother laying lifeless in her bed. It’s odd that I feel it makes sense that it happened in October. It’s always been a telling month for me and for that, it is holy.

The month of revelation.

And a supreme incentive for reflection…

Even the air is stirring and settling the elements of life, like leaves dancing about the pavement.

My mind is stirring as I watch the leaves rise and fall in the waves of wind. 

I’m here. 

I embrace that I am here because You are here. 

I am here because she is here.

I am here because she was here.

Thank tou for all that you have brought me and protected me from.

I’m just getting to understand you as I understand myself. 

The greatest gift you have given me is the presence of mind and spirit to seek you in the first place.

The gift of knowing.

Always in sync with your mind, even when it wanders. 

I hope to make you proud and content in knowing I came after you.

I hold you in my heart, even when it hurts. 

Thank you for living.

Thank you for fighting to live.

And Love

And loving hard and real easy 

Thank you for passin’ off the little bits of love you had left to my mama’s, mama’s, mama’s, mama and me. 

We release our greatness when we can’t deny the ones who gave us that greatness. 

mindTrek

“Respect the Technique” Purposeful Preparation Part II: Knowing the Working Process

Aside | Posted on by kamtrekker

Easier said than done.

The world’s silent consensus in the face of any prolonged challenge or endeavor. 

It’s in The Manual. 

So what’s that doing that doesn’t ever seem to get done?

…That doing that gives all the saying a run for its money…

It’s the brick and mortar of the foundation of your ethic. 

It’s what sets and keeps your wheels in motion. 

Heart and Soul are the check-and-balance of our intentions and those intentions are the guides of our actions.

I played with these thoughts as I lay in bed at 4 AM. 

My holy hour. My favorite time of “night”. A time of reflection and reconciliation. Even my thoughts were on chill. 

It’s a beautiful thing.

Sharing ones thoughts comes with an unmeasurable responsibility. 

It’s a line of work that isn’t considered work. And even when you are tireless in it, you have to leave a little room for perspective. 

Managing what?

I don’t want to manage my life. I want to live it, explore all of its facets and meet others on their journeys. Exploration requires security and preparation. 

Because spontaneity isn’t so spontaneous.

You have to respect the flow to learn it, know it and go with it. 

Your ethic is your best guide on the path to knowing, and going with, the flow. 

Curating and polishing time management, consistency, diligence, adaptability and patience is not an easy feat, but it will transform into an almost effortless process if driven by Heart and Soul.

Heart and Soul are forces that can’t be denied, but can be healed and  transformed through different variables of the human condition. 

You can’t destroy the Heart, but you can soothe it. Your Soul may feel heavy or even bent, but you could never break it. 

Take cues from a true, live ‘G’!

Soul is the master pupil of life. Spirit, it’s understudy, uses us to connect Soul to Heart. 

You are the glue that holds your Heart and Soul together.

A few days ago I shared what Autumn has taught me about purposeful preparation. 

Autumn is true, a gentle bruiser, always timely. 

Her signs are consistent and devoted to her presence. 

She’s here. 

Like it or not.

Her work speaks for itself and never for her. She’s trained her ethic to be  a steady constant in the ever changing realm of Time.

Autumn, in all her glory, says,

“I respect myself enough to know the working process”.

I’m still taking notes. 

And sharing them. 





Purposeful Preparation: What I’ve learned from Autumn

Posted on by kamtrekker

It’s been sixty days since I decided to begin sharing my thoughts again. And I’ll say, it’s changed my life in so many ways. Unapologetically morphing into my old self, 

before everything. 

It’s really the timing of it all, honestly. 

The dust is finally settling from the faithful summer that just passed to another hemisphere a little earlier than all of us expected and I am watching the wind pick up the rest of the stragglers left from summer’s hot breath. 

I’m ready for all that my imagination has set me up to seek, and then some. My favorite season is creeping in like it is supposed to. 

The air, crisp, stirring with purpose, calls the soul to stillness. 

It’s been a season of static and status.

I’m hibernating before Winter, but not before I fall in love with Autumn. 

Stillness beckons me to my thoughts and solitude. 

Solitude. A treasure. A teacher. A friend. 

I asked a while back, “What’ll I take, what’ll I leave?”

Autumn is upon us. We’d like to say it’s early, but her strength lies in her purposefulness. Summer has done its job and the season is coming to a close. 

The season of maturation is upon us. 

It’s get-ready season and what better way to get ready is there than cleansing? 

We’ve been tripped up by the theory that faking it until we make it is the way to reach our higher selves. 

Facing it until you conquer it is more like what nature is trying to show us.

Summer makes way for Autumn, Autumn  makes way for Winter and Spring succeeds them all as a new cycle of life is born. 

Even the seasons have to be purposeful.

For the first time in a long while, Summer’s ended at the beginning of September. You can feel it in the air, once breathy and still, now crisp and restless. 

The chill invites you to get lost in the determination of the fall. Autumn is making cuts as she scours the regions and prepares the earth to transition and mature. Looking for signs of resignation and ambition. 

Who are her winds going to push forward or send spinning?

She gives us the choice. Every time.

Surrender to your higher self and it won’t ever steer you wrong. You can be carried forward or sent spinning. 

 The choice is yours.

Connect with old thoughts, feelings  and ideas. You never know what will spring forth from stirring your mind. 

  
Maturation is all about being ready. Even when you don’t think you are. 

Especially when you don’t think you are.

What are some things that you believe indicate that you’re not ready? 

Reflect. Review. Cleanse, no Purge.

It’s all about connecting 

with Time, Place and Spirit.

Time rules the seasons. Connect with the seasons of time and take note. The one thing they always have in common that remains a constant in their nature is that no matter what, the seasons are purposeful and prepared.

It’s crucial to be purposeful and prepared when exploring place and spirit. Taking notes never hurt anyone. 

It’s all about being ready. 

Connect with Autumn and be ready to see what she has to show you. 

It’s one thing not to know, but a whole other if you’re not ready when it’s time. 

Be purposeful and prepare.


Ritual . . .

Posted on by kamtrekker

My high is coming down. The rattle of my bracelets is all that I can manage to process as I stroke my conscious. The rest of Me is lying,  dormant, in the background, resigned to total oblivion. This is my prayer. Surrendering to the waves of the Qadr (the will of The Creator). 

Charcoal black fingers run through my mind. 

The hands of infinity. 

I submit. 

Ritual

  

That sweet rapture and ride of nostalgia that captivates the heart and releases the mind. 

It’s not for nothing.

It’s as pure and simple as you want it to be. 

It’s reliable. 

It’s courageous. 

Ritual gives life to stability, dependability, balance and accountability.

Get lost in yourself, your dreams will follow you and you’ll never be lonely. 

Being alone.

Ritual 

It’s what you want it to be. 

The power lies in the choice.

It’s yours to make and to change. 

It’s what changed you. 

Ritual

Waking up to a world full of expectations, you are free from the clutter of demand and trend. 

The hands of Time, coated in expectations, push you in a new direction and you are free to get lost in yourself, with your dreams in tow.

 

It’s This One Thing: You deserve you, not your problems.

Posted on by kamtrekker

It takes a lot of courage to analyze your life.

In this world, you’re supposed to have it together, right now, all at once. If you don’t, you’re screwed. 

Success is not yours to claim.

And that success isn’t transmutable. It doesn’t come in every color under the sun. In fact, it’s governed by a white picket fence. There is no gradient.

That success doesn’t interest me at all. The shit I’ve seen in life, I’m happy to have a hot meal, a glass, some herb and good- if I’m lucky, live-music at the end of my day. 

At some point, it’s time to look at why it’s so important to get everything done right now. 

Why right now? 

My life is all screwed up. 

Really?

Tell me how. As a matter of fact, write down how much of your life is screwed up. 

Collect all of your thoughts and analyze your current situation. Concentrate on what areas of your life you need to rebuild. 

Learn to separate the different parts of your life that make you whole. 

Do not allow the temporary weakening of a specific part of your life affect the rest of who you are. 

  You are WAY MORE than your problems.

Let’s look at the definition of a problem: 

A matter or situation regarded as unwelcome or harmful and needing to be dealt with or overcome.

Even if you have more than one problem at a time, your life is not over.

A problem is not greater than you. It is a tool used to rebuild and shape your path. 

…If you are working on it.

What? Some of us fall in love with our problems?

Yeah

There’s this one thing called romanticizing your problems. 

I used to romanticize my problems because I had no faith in myself. I believed that my problems were more resilient than I was and that it’d be useless trying to get rid of them. 

I began to identify with them, even make excuses for having them and fear letting go of the beasts I’d come to know. 

As the Stockholm syndrome commenced, I lost myself in my problems. I was bent and they were holding me up, I’d convinced myself. 

Expectations? What are those? 

I’d had standards and I hated myself for it. In my mind, my problems were bigger than me and I was being foolish in still wanting the things that I felt I deserved. 

You can’t get past your insecurities. Men only want confident women. No man will want you. Ever. 

Rational or irrational, my thoughts gave way to my problems. I was mentally unhealthy and it cost me a few relationships to realize I was in deep. 

I ain’t shit…

The cycle continued and the self-loathing became unbearable. Then one day I caught a glimpse of myself in the hallway mirror leading to the front door. I smiled and stood, regarding my face and shoulders. 

My late grandmother’s voice rang in my head, 

I watched you walk from 16th street all the way to the corner because I wanted to compliment  you on your walk. I said, “That young lady has great posture”. Then I said, “Oh that’s Kamila!”

That day in the mirror, replaying my grandma’s words in my head over and over again, I’d decided to break out of the hold my problems had over me. A graceful maiden with a full life and a big heart and a badddd walk could not be denied what she deserved most, her highest esteem.

One thing: You deserve more of your attention and esteem than your problems do. No matter how big they are.

“Life is like a puzzle. 

Sometimes the pieces fall apart, but they can be put back together. 

There are pieces from your parents and friends, pieces from people you like and from people you don’t like that make your life what it is. 

There are pieces from books, pieces of songs, and pieces of things that have happened to you. 

All the pieces of your life affect you, but THEY ARE NOT YOU.”

Remember that today and everyday. Problems are tools that, when worked on, sharpen the person you are and are becoming. 

Mine bow down to me. I’m always on the grind working on myself.

Transformation Tuesday: What makes a person “a good person”?

Posted on by kamtrekker

I’m rich with references from the past. I kept all of my journals from adolescence and teenhood and it’s been a treat rediscovering my not-so-old self. Today I pulled out my old Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul journal and I realized a lot of whom I was has stayed with me. It’s refreshing to know. 

One of the prompts in the journal poses the question: 

What makes a person “a good person”? 

Here’s my 15-year-old self’s answer: 

  
Okay, so there you have it. I’d seen a lot at this point in my life. I’d just buried my 17-year-old friend who committed suicide and there were a lot of thoughts running through my head on a daily basis. 

Of course, there are some things I want to point out about my response:

  1. I tend to say at their own expense quite a bit in my responses. This is problematic because that was the theme of my adulthood for some time up until a few months ago, honestly. I’d developed this martyrdom that was really hard to shake after a while. It took me six years to finally be okay with being selfish in some instances. 
  2. Being so self-sacrificial was a mark of the point of my life that I was in. I was religiously devout to Islam and still situating my identity as a Black female teen in America; about three or four strikes against my conscious everyday I walked out the door. Over-compensation was a side effect of the pressure. Being obstinately “good” was a form of resistance in a world where I was tolerated and ostracized. My family had been through some things with homeland security because of our background. 
  3. A good person is someone who stands by his/her views even when challenged. I’m all for sticking to your guns, but even “good people” are wrong sometimes and being inflexible can turn a big heart into an ego hammock.
  4. A person who is comforting and reliable and, beyond everything else, honest even at their own expense. –Again, martyr syndrome. 

Considering the experiences I’d had leading up to these journal entries, I was traumatized and not fully processing everything that had happened that year. And a lot happened. That’s definitely for another post. 

What makes a person a “good person”?

I’d say:

A good person is someone who looks at themselves before anyone else. Someone who completely accepts others, even their flaws. Someone who is strong when confronted or challenged and accountable and  responsible when they are wrong. Someone who is comforting and reliable, and above everything else, honest. 

This may all change in ten years too… Ha!

What would you say makes a person a “good person”?

Last night, I brought my soul out of its hiding place… 

Posted on by kamtrekker


I’m a lover.

That’s my calling.

Whomever and whatever I love will know it.

That’s my mark.

Whomever but me.

Until a little while ago.

I had to make more room in my heart so I decided to do some breathing exercises.

Literally opened my heart up.

We need more love in the world. Love expands when it’s nurtured. Love expands when it’s not. The beauty is that Love expands whoever nurtures it and preserves the hearts of whoever doesn’t.

Love loves Love.

We should take notes.

I have.

I still am.

You expand and elevate the ones who nurture you when you are a Lover.

When you harvest love from within, it is infinite and self-sufficient. Your soul is free to roam with Love there to guide its steps. It is free because Love is the strongest force there is.

I’ve only learned this through trial and error and that it’s imperative to celebrate along the way.  Somewhere during that celebration, my soul has surfaced.

You look like you have good news to tell me!

You’re glowing!

What’s going on with you?! 

Life is to be celebrated. Before you’re a person, you’re a human. And before that, you have a soul. The rest is temporal and conditional.
Before there’s a world, there’s the planet we live upon, Earth. And before that, there’s the universe. But before all that, there’s your perception of those things. Before that there’s a creator of that perception.

What’s that flicker of light that sits at the core of your being? The one that when it leaves your body, unfolds into seas of light and energy? The one that stares back at you in the mirror, governor of that unique stare you recognize that catches you off-guard everytime?

Selfies won’t ever be able to capture this gem because the soul is live and doesn’t conform to time or space.

Your soul speaks through your gut.

Yeah-the one that we’re told should be small, hidden, contained.

That gut that’s too pronounced, out of place in a world of girdles, shape-fitters and liposuction. Tools of manufacturing the suppression of the intuition, the soul.

Damn, what’s up with my soul?

You’re giving her the silent treatment so you can feel better, that’s what’s up.

We were all created out of Love, the original heroine.

Love, the most powerful force in the world, knows how to love Love. There’s no denying the power Love has in the world. There’s no denying the power you have in Love if you listen to her. Love is as powerful as she is because she loves herself.

Your soul knows this and is screaming at you to listen. There is no shine without first hearing the rain pour upon the Earth.

Listening is imperative and Love is a master teacher with an undeniable track record. Can’t really lose, here.

Even more genius, the lessons are tailored to each student.

Set your soul free, dammit.

I’m bringing my soul out of its hiding place. And letting Love guide me.

When ‘No’ is Absolutely Necessary 

Posted on by kamtrekker

I’m tired. 

Damn, it took a lot just to say that.

But I really am tired. 

I’m tired of dimming my shine for those who unapologetically steal light from others. 

I’m tired of respectability politics. 

I’m tired of honoring codes I never subscribed to. 

It’s tired. 

Tired as hell that in order to build, we need validation and continuous deliberation over simple GP.

You wouldn’t like it, so don’t do it. 

I’m tired of tired-ass talking heads. 

Tired-ass mouth pieces. 

Tired-ass agendas. 

Tired-ass ageism

Tired-ass sexism 

Tired-ass nepotism 

Tired-ass hypocrisy 

Tired-ass passive aggression 

Tired-ass projection 

Tired-ass oppression 

Tired-ass micro aggressions

Tired-ass ulterior motives, that ain’t so ulterior.

Tired-ass hump day 

Tired-ass Monday

That exhausted-ass Papal visit. 

I’m just tired. 

And I’m fixing to say no and hell NO

I originally left the post at ‘hell NO‘, but I figured it’d beore helpful to pose some questions after ward, you know, for the sake of resolve and substance. 

Alright

When you feel your patience has run its course, what are some ways you tackle exhausting your will to endure stressors? 

I spend a lot of time alone. It’s my therapy. Time is a luxury that I don’t share much of if it proves draining to do so with someone.

I believe in real-life vampires, truth is stranger and more colored than fiction. 

Garlic and wood on deck...

How many times have you been moved to say no and didn’t assert yourself? 

Were you thinking of your feelings or how your actions might affect/benefit/disappoint others? 

How many times has that been fulfilling? I’ll wait. 

I seek solitude almost unconsciously because I’ve programmed myself to check my gut whenever it makes a strike. And it does, often. 

We live under a climate where holding your gut is strongly suggested, especially in fashion and posture. 

How do I look?

Nah

How do you feel?

It’s okay to be tired. Especially of the bullshit.

It’s okay to let it all hang out, instead of letting it all hang on you. 

Yes, I love meditation. 

Yes, I love going for long walks. 

But there is nothing quite like a shout!

Wake your voice up!

If you feel like cussin’, then shit, get carried away.

Nobody asks your permission when they demand your time and attention. 

Just know, if you feel like shouting, chances are someone else does too, and you may not have to look too far to find her. 

A slow-knowing nod and smile gives life every time. Try it today when you’re out and about.